On softening

Over the last few years I've been trying to access a softer side of myself. It's not a natural thing for me, I tend to tense and harden when feeling vulnerable, rather than softening and reaching or allowing myself to be reached for. It's a work in progress but I'm really proud of who I am today compared with two or three years ago. 

My art practice has been key to this process. There has been a deliberate and thoughtful parallel learning in my painting. Similarly, my instinct is sharp edges and contrast. It is my default mode, and for so long it seemed like every time I tried to soften my strokes I ended up in a muddly mess. It feels vulnerable to risk being misinterpreted. It's hard to trust that overexplaining or defending or getting the last word in isn't actually what allows me to be seen. That I can leave space. 

Noticing connections between some work from last year and some new little works in progress.

It has taken a lot of practice and failed attempts to realize that softening is not as passive as it seems. It is a deliberate slowing down, pausing, thinking before you add another mark to the canvas, or another word to an exchange. 

Softening requires prioritizing the bigger picture. Remembering and accepting that the layers built over time, some executed masterfully, others fumbled through, all lead to a rich depth that couldn't have been there without a gentle, deliberate approach.

Softening is trusting my intuition but not being ruled by my first impulse.

I'm still working really hard at this in many areas of my life. It still doesn't come as my first instinct. But slowing down allows my brain to catch up with the reminder. We have choices but often we don't slow down enough to see them clearly. I've been working on a parenting program and part of what I've been practicing this week is waiting, actually counting in my head to slow down. And, spoiler alert, when we do or say or ask things deliberately, they usually end up happening more quickly, or at least more easefully.

My current project is softening in my mothering, especially for my daughter who is at a prickly age. Being a mom is so many things. Some of them I am good at, some of them I really struggle with. Being a soft space is something I would like to cultivate; less rushing more patience. I find it a challenge to balance that with my self-protective nature. If I give a little will I lose myself completely? I know that's not how the world works, but I also have lost myself before and there is a fear there. How to be a soft, present mom and also a mom who is a whole person and who models that for my children. I have a feeling this project will take some time...a lifetime I expect. Thankfully, the art will be there to guide me through. Carefully balanced alongside all the other precious and necessary bits of life; a little extra snuggly reading time, a clean counter top and a slightly crumby floor, a half hour of brush strokes before bed...and the lines in between them just a bit smudged, a bit softer.

Happy Mother’s Day, honoring all the ways you hold and experience soft, motherly space for those and from those around you.

If you’d like to see some of the artwork that has come out of this process, visit my webshop page Latest Work.

The two small squares below are in progress. If you want to be notified when they become available, sign up for my newsletter below.